Here is a highly entertaining ad which is making waves on the net at the moment. I have copied it while it is still live for readers of the blog...
Miserable, cantankerous horse for sale - $1400 (New Haven)
Meet Rotten Banana. My wife named him that before he was born 7 years ago, and for that reason I believe she is a true psychic medium.
Rotten Banana's father was a registered Paint we owned, who was a valiant sweetheart of a horse but was ugly as sin. His mother is an evil wench, but is built like a brick house and is afraid of nothing. We thought the breeding might give us a valiant sweetheart who was built like a brick house. Instead, we got.....Rotten Banana.
Banana has a lot of.....personality. He has great ground manners. He loves attention. He is probably the best horse I have ever seen about picking up his feet. My 6 year old daughter can lead him anywhere.
And that's where the good stuff ends, so....maybe stop reading here?
Still reading? Dammit.
Rotten Banana is very broke to ride and has hundreds of trail miles. Like his mom, he is afraid of nothing. He will go through brooks, mud, trees and not miss a step.
If he wants to.
If he doesn't want to, he won't do anything. Literally.
If you want to ride, he will just stand there. Whip and spur all you want, the best you will get is a half-hearted buck and a grunt. (The very reputable natural horsemanship trainer I paid $900 to work on this became as exasperated as i was.). If you want to put him on a trailer, and he doesn't want to get on it, he will go backwards. Quickly. If you want to put a bridle on him, he will actually point his nose to the sky like a timberwolf. When you are not looking, he will either steal the hat off your head with his teeth, or grab your shirt and give you a tug.
In short, he is an ass.
So, if you're looking for a project horse with lots of miles left in his- ta da! Here he is.
Someone with time could actually make a horse out of him. That person is not me.
UPDATE: I'd like to thank those of you who have emailed that you enjoyed this ad. A few points of clarity:
1. Yes, he is really for sale. To the right person and home, not the first person with $12 bucks in their hand. If he doesn't sell, I will not be dropping him off at an auction or anything stupid like that. (I thinks it's funny I said 12 "bucks" while talking about Banana. He loves bucks.)
2. I posted him on craigslist to sell him, not get unsolicited horse training advice. I'm neither the best, nor the worst equestrian around. I have owned and trained my own horses long enough to know I'm not a good match with this particular horse.
3. Not that it's anyone's business, but since a few folks have taken it upon themselves to call me irresponsible for breeding Banana in the first place- I bought Banana's father at a farm auction simply because we were afraid for his fate. He was 200 lbs underweight, not gelded, and no one would even bid $50 for him. I bought him, fed him up and started him under saddle. At the time, Banana's mother was getting older and my wife likes the miserable nag, so we bred them with the intent of replacing one of our trail horses. Banana's father was gelded and sold (for a loss after all of the vet bills and feed) and now works as a school pony at a lesson stable.
4. Banana got his shots and a Coggins test done yesterday. He tried to steal the Coggins papers from the vet. I doubt it was because he thought it would taste good.
This ad raises some interesting points which I feel are valid to equine welfare particularly in the current economic climate.
Firstly the breeding issues, for which the current owner has been criticized. Here we have a snapshot of what happens every day all over the world when many people decide to breed horses. They want to replace one, or they want to keep something that they like in their current horse going. This is how so many unremarkable horses are born week after week into a flooded market.
The first lesson as we know is that you can't guarantee what you are going to get from breeding and here, as the owner freely admits, the qualities he admired in the parents have not emerged in their offspring quite as he hoped! So if you want something particular in your new horse, go buy one instead of breeding it. Then you can pick out just what you want because you can see it in a living animal.
The irresponsible breeders don't spent time on the horse-that-is-not-what-they-expected and move them on with no training or time spent on them- much as this horse's father was. At least here we have someone who has tried hard to work with the horse and make it a useful animal. They have decided to sell this horse because they believe that they are having something of a personality clash, which can happen, and that someone else may get better results than them.
The owner has not just dumped the horse-that-is-not-what-they-expected at an auction, a common fate for so many of his kind. They have also said they will not do this which is to their credit.
So while the situation is not ideal I like that they are being upfront and honest about what is happening with the horse, deliberately trying to find the right partner for him. But the ad is also a timely warning to anyone with a pretty average mare they just looove for one random reason or another and want a baby from- you could wind up breeding your very own Rotten Banana!
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Sunday, 29 September 2013
Tuesday, 21 May 2013
Advert of the Day
This is why we don't cut manes/forelocks with scissors...
We've all had haircuts we'd rather forget. This poor chap (a gelding I suspect, not a gilden) looks suitably unimpressed with being plastered all over the internet while this particular travesty is at its peak.
'Seriously.... I will kill you...'
Bless. The fact the he's actually being held through barbed wire is a more serious concern- not liking it being so close to his eyes! At least he's a decent weight and has been groomed, albeit perhaps over enthusiastically by the kids mentioned earlier! And his hair will grow back.
If you'd like find out more about him here's his ad on Craigslist.
We've all had haircuts we'd rather forget. This poor chap (a gelding I suspect, not a gilden) looks suitably unimpressed with being plastered all over the internet while this particular travesty is at its peak.
'Seriously.... I will kill you...'
Bless. The fact the he's actually being held through barbed wire is a more serious concern- not liking it being so close to his eyes! At least he's a decent weight and has been groomed, albeit perhaps over enthusiastically by the kids mentioned earlier! And his hair will grow back.
If you'd like find out more about him here's his ad on Craigslist.
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
Advert of the Day
So first of all this ad has a very unfortunate title!
In addition to the misspelt content it also has some pretty poor and fairly odd pictures- here are the bigger versions:
Umm... can't catch it or something?!
And finally instead of going for a main selling point which would be at least partly supported by the pictures e.g. nice mover, attractive markings, totally unspoilt ready to train etc... they have plumped for....
"very quiet rond kids"
Okkkkaaay... I am left thinking I bet it is, because the moment it sees a child approaching it disappears to the far corner of the field and you don't hear a peep from it till they've left!
Very very erratic and amusing little advert!
Saturday, 6 April 2013
Sadly Outgrown...
Not by a child! She's outgrown her rug!
Um, I know people make do at times, but is it not a better idea to take the rug off just for the picture so you don't look a bit... mad?!
By the way she is sooo cute. And selling with mum (below) for the sad price of £150... please buy her and spoil her with a blankie that covers her little butt!
Um, I know people make do at times, but is it not a better idea to take the rug off just for the picture so you don't look a bit... mad?!
By the way she is sooo cute. And selling with mum (below) for the sad price of £150... please buy her and spoil her with a blankie that covers her little butt!
Thursday, 21 March 2013
Advert of the Day
Deep breath....
annnnnd GO!
I have a black and white mustang named bandit I'm selling him because I don't have time to ride him or spend with him n it's not fair to the Little guy he's grate horse I had him since he was 8 n he was not broke n he is 12 now I broke him but haven't done to much with him he I have put him on cows and he loves them with some training he could be a really nice cutting horse he learns quit n picks up on hat u r doing he's small but real stocky he is very forward will do anything u ask of him jump run go around a barrel though bushes corn fields he love to swim unsay let's swim give his head he he will run n just about jump in the creek to the deepest spot lol he dose get nerves around people he dose not know but when he gets to know you and trust you he will have a strong bond with you for the longest time my ferrie couldn't touch him unless I was there n now he's good with him I had a girl lease him until she went back to school and just loved him you can ride him a hack a more a bit or haulter he won't eat grass when u r on his back or holding him on a lead unless he knows you say it's ok stands to mont picks up all 4 feet to pick good on cross ties loads very well he just needs some basic work but u can trial ride him alone or with other horses will not kick or bite at a horse or person if u would like to come see bandit my name is Lauren just call or text 267 753 5079 or email
Yep, we have apparently never heard of a full stop!
Who wouldn't want a horse like this he's 'grate', learns 'quit' and stands still to 'mont'. Presumably she has someone to trim and do her horse's feet (a FARRIER) and not a large boat that likes to rub alongside horses (Ferry/Ferrie?!!).
BTW he looks brown and white to me- anyone else?!
Still a cute little fella who would be a good friend for a kid somewhere- visit the link here if you're interested.
The breathless wording and fact that the horse is on a funny angle in the photo just makes it feel like the seller rushed this ad BIG TIME.
I don't think horse selling ads really need the grammar police coming down on them hard all the time, but your ad should at least be readable enough to make sense!! People are busy and trying to decipher vague or confusing words and sentences is hard work when you've got several ads at once to work through- unless your horse is something extraordinary a lot of them might give up!
If you're not sure and are even half aware that the written word isn't your strongest medium, why wouldn't you get someone to read it over for you before you post it- even spell check can get you halfway there!
Thanks Craigslist Philadelphia for this one!
annnnnd GO!
I have a black and white mustang named bandit I'm selling him because I don't have time to ride him or spend with him n it's not fair to the Little guy he's grate horse I had him since he was 8 n he was not broke n he is 12 now I broke him but haven't done to much with him he I have put him on cows and he loves them with some training he could be a really nice cutting horse he learns quit n picks up on hat u r doing he's small but real stocky he is very forward will do anything u ask of him jump run go around a barrel though bushes corn fields he love to swim unsay let's swim give his head he he will run n just about jump in the creek to the deepest spot lol he dose get nerves around people he dose not know but when he gets to know you and trust you he will have a strong bond with you for the longest time my ferrie couldn't touch him unless I was there n now he's good with him I had a girl lease him until she went back to school and just loved him you can ride him a hack a more a bit or haulter he won't eat grass when u r on his back or holding him on a lead unless he knows you say it's ok stands to mont picks up all 4 feet to pick good on cross ties loads very well he just needs some basic work but u can trial ride him alone or with other horses will not kick or bite at a horse or person if u would like to come see bandit my name is Lauren just call or text 267 753 5079 or email
Yep, we have apparently never heard of a full stop!
Who wouldn't want a horse like this he's 'grate', learns 'quit' and stands still to 'mont'. Presumably she has someone to trim and do her horse's feet (a FARRIER) and not a large boat that likes to rub alongside horses (Ferry/Ferrie?!!).
BTW he looks brown and white to me- anyone else?!
Still a cute little fella who would be a good friend for a kid somewhere- visit the link here if you're interested.
The breathless wording and fact that the horse is on a funny angle in the photo just makes it feel like the seller rushed this ad BIG TIME.
I don't think horse selling ads really need the grammar police coming down on them hard all the time, but your ad should at least be readable enough to make sense!! People are busy and trying to decipher vague or confusing words and sentences is hard work when you've got several ads at once to work through- unless your horse is something extraordinary a lot of them might give up!
If you're not sure and are even half aware that the written word isn't your strongest medium, why wouldn't you get someone to read it over for you before you post it- even spell check can get you halfway there!
Thanks Craigslist Philadelphia for this one!
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Advert of the Day
Why do I get the impression this sales piccie was taken during a heavy weekend drinking session?
Here's the rest of the content for anyone interested in this sweetie.
I find the hand floating randomly in the air a particularly nice touch! And the mare's facial expression seems to say- um my head's over here?
Happy St Patrick's Day- please stop before you forget which end of your horse is which!!
Here's the rest of the content for anyone interested in this sweetie.
Saturday, 16 February 2013
Craigslist Goes Ga Ga
Ah Craigslist. There can't be many people who don't know about it, maybe the odd UK resident. Just to fill you all in, Craigslist is a free listing site for people selling/offering pretty much everything (literally- we're talking adult services to fruit, or in some instances, the two combined!).
Horse selling on Craigslist is pretty common and reaches various standards, from the expert, to the clueless, and finally the demented. And today we present what is quite possibly the criminally insane. People, if you know this man, please keep him away from animals and children.
Thanks to Snarky Rider for this bizarre item!
AD CONTENT:
Hello, this is my lovely horse legacy. He has been in my family for 5 years. He truly is a wonderful creature. At night, his mane glows like the brightest of juptiers moons. It is what we in the horse world call "magical". I give him daily protein shakes to make sure he countinues to grow big and strong. I don't know when he'll stop growing, he'll probably countinue to until his time comes. Please be prepared to accommodate a horse the size of a small tank if you plan on keeping him for more then a month. I feed him a strict diet of cucumbers and horseradish. Some people say that it's sick to feed a horse horseradish, but sense horse radish doesn't actually have horse in it, I'm sure it's ok.
800 OBO if you have any albino chickens we may be able to negotiate. Or 800 dollars worth of Fred Meyers gift cards so I can countinue to buy horseradish for my other horse.
Call 1-(307) 340-1521 to contact me. My name is Austin Boone. In order to ensure your not spam, please say "you have a magnificent stead on your hands I'd like to obtain. I'm pretty sure no telephone operator from overseas can say that correctly.
By no means do I think this is serious (college kid prank perhaps), but sadly I would still BET that someone out there does ring and try to acquire this non existent horse!
What's most terrifying here though is that the photo is not dissimilar to actual sales ad I have seen over the years!
Horse selling on Craigslist is pretty common and reaches various standards, from the expert, to the clueless, and finally the demented. And today we present what is quite possibly the criminally insane. People, if you know this man, please keep him away from animals and children.
Thanks to Snarky Rider for this bizarre item!
AD CONTENT:
Hello, this is my lovely horse legacy. He has been in my family for 5 years. He truly is a wonderful creature. At night, his mane glows like the brightest of juptiers moons. It is what we in the horse world call "magical". I give him daily protein shakes to make sure he countinues to grow big and strong. I don't know when he'll stop growing, he'll probably countinue to until his time comes. Please be prepared to accommodate a horse the size of a small tank if you plan on keeping him for more then a month. I feed him a strict diet of cucumbers and horseradish. Some people say that it's sick to feed a horse horseradish, but sense horse radish doesn't actually have horse in it, I'm sure it's ok.
800 OBO if you have any albino chickens we may be able to negotiate. Or 800 dollars worth of Fred Meyers gift cards so I can countinue to buy horseradish for my other horse.
Call 1-(307) 340-1521 to contact me. My name is Austin Boone. In order to ensure your not spam, please say "you have a magnificent stead on your hands I'd like to obtain. I'm pretty sure no telephone operator from overseas can say that correctly.
What's most terrifying here though is that the photo is not dissimilar to actual sales ad I have seen over the years!
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
It's a What Now?
Some more light relief for today, courtesy of an excellent site I found, now listed in my faves, called Horse Trader Tricks. Their 'for fun' page is just one of many excellent items they have to offer, I heartily recommend a visit!
I am a little surprised that 'Fellabella' doesn't make an appearance in this list, but please enjoy:
I am a little surprised that 'Fellabella' doesn't make an appearance in this list, but please enjoy:
Creative Breed & Color
Spellings
APPALOSO /Quarter pregant - $500-I have a four year old appaloso quarter for sale she is pregant she is not broke to ride .I have saddle her up and i have sit on her. She was bred with a liver and white paint .
APOOLOSSA - $8500
LEOPARD SPOTTED APPOOSA HORSE 5YRS. TRICK HORSE ANY ONE CAN RIDE
blue rhone apalusa - $600
chetlyn pony - $250 young chetklyn pony, kid friendly
12 yr old Carmello Reg. Fox Trotter - $1000-This guy is a 12 yr old. He stands 15.1 hands tall. He is a registered Missouri Fox Trotter, carmello in color and built like a quarter horse.
Horse for Sale-He is 14.2 hands a good trail horse. He is a carmelloh. very good additude. Sweet and loving. age 6 years old.
AQHA quarter horse beautiful!! CRAMELLO!
Kid broke, gentle gelding - $700
15 hand, creamellow Quarter Horse gelding. Very gentle. Great on the trails and in the round pen. Very nice slow, easy canter. No vices/bad habits. He rides on a loose rein with a natural low head set. Eight years old. Current coggins and worming. Please call for an appointment to ride this gentle gelding. Thanks.
Blue Rome horse - $275-i have a 10 year old blue Rome horse that is green broke..you can saddle her up and everything and ride her but she doesn't know a lot of stuff but she know some...she is a pretty horse but her lip hangs down because she got it caught on a barb wire fence...if any questions or pictures please txt dont call..
Choclate palamino - $1800-very gental gelding, no bad habits, anybody can ride, very muscular and very beautiful, has a flaken maine and tail and is choclate colored
For Sale- 6 year old leopard print mare broke,sweet,very pretty,1000.00 or 1200.00 with tack,call or text,can send photo
Thero-bread chestnut horse - $100-im getting rid of her because we simply cannot afford her, shes got brand new front shoes on her, theres nothing wrong with her if u have any questions contact me.
8 year old reg sorrow mare - $800
Young 2 year old Chest Nut - $350-I'm selling a 2 year old chest nut gelding that I have started and is green broke. He stands at 13.5. Get along with the other horses great. He will make great 4-H horse for a child. $350 obo
5year old Geurla Gelding - $650
Thourebreed mare - $400
11 yo Medicine Hat Paint - $300- I am an 11 year old Tabiano-Overian Paint gelding. I have a medicine hat, bald face and blue eys. I am VERY green and need a lot of work. I stand well for the ferrier. I am skidish.
Horses for Sale-5 year old Morgan/Paint Gelding Blue eyes. Dark Sorrel 15.5 hands Rides/Gated $600 5 Year Old Creamilo Gelding light gray eyes Green Broke Ground Gentle Rides. $500
I have 2 horses for sale a 3 year old gelding foxtrotter that is a doppler grey and has bloodlines to zan bar grey this horse is green broke just needs some saddle time and is naturally gated with 30 days perfessional training. The other is a solid black quester horse colt 17 month holter broke and leads other then that just been handled no holes in either horses and have no bad habits since they have not been tought any.
Horse for Sale-This gelding was born in 2010. He is half Pacifino and half Quarter Horse and may be gaited.
Gurlla- $500-4 year old gurlla gelding grade QH stands 14'1 hands tall easy to catch and load stands to be saddle and stands when you get on him no buck, kick, or bit just an easy going horse asking
APPALOSO /Quarter pregant - $500-I have a four year old appaloso quarter for sale she is pregant she is not broke to ride .I have saddle her up and i have sit on her. She was bred with a liver and white paint .
APOOLOSSA - $8500
LEOPARD SPOTTED APPOOSA HORSE 5YRS. TRICK HORSE ANY ONE CAN RIDE
blue rhone apalusa - $600
chetlyn pony - $250 young chetklyn pony, kid friendly
12 yr old Carmello Reg. Fox Trotter - $1000-This guy is a 12 yr old. He stands 15.1 hands tall. He is a registered Missouri Fox Trotter, carmello in color and built like a quarter horse.
Horse for Sale-He is 14.2 hands a good trail horse. He is a carmelloh. very good additude. Sweet and loving. age 6 years old.
AQHA quarter horse beautiful!! CRAMELLO!
Kid broke, gentle gelding - $700
15 hand, creamellow Quarter Horse gelding. Very gentle. Great on the trails and in the round pen. Very nice slow, easy canter. No vices/bad habits. He rides on a loose rein with a natural low head set. Eight years old. Current coggins and worming. Please call for an appointment to ride this gentle gelding. Thanks.
Blue Rome horse - $275-i have a 10 year old blue Rome horse that is green broke..you can saddle her up and everything and ride her but she doesn't know a lot of stuff but she know some...she is a pretty horse but her lip hangs down because she got it caught on a barb wire fence...if any questions or pictures please txt dont call..
Choclate palamino - $1800-very gental gelding, no bad habits, anybody can ride, very muscular and very beautiful, has a flaken maine and tail and is choclate colored
For Sale- 6 year old leopard print mare broke,sweet,very pretty,1000.00 or 1200.00 with tack,call or text,can send photo
Thero-bread chestnut horse - $100-im getting rid of her because we simply cannot afford her, shes got brand new front shoes on her, theres nothing wrong with her if u have any questions contact me.
8 year old reg sorrow mare - $800
Young 2 year old Chest Nut - $350-I'm selling a 2 year old chest nut gelding that I have started and is green broke. He stands at 13.5. Get along with the other horses great. He will make great 4-H horse for a child. $350 obo
5year old Geurla Gelding - $650
Thourebreed mare - $400
11 yo Medicine Hat Paint - $300- I am an 11 year old Tabiano-Overian Paint gelding. I have a medicine hat, bald face and blue eys. I am VERY green and need a lot of work. I stand well for the ferrier. I am skidish.
Horses for Sale-5 year old Morgan/Paint Gelding Blue eyes. Dark Sorrel 15.5 hands Rides/Gated $600 5 Year Old Creamilo Gelding light gray eyes Green Broke Ground Gentle Rides. $500
I have 2 horses for sale a 3 year old gelding foxtrotter that is a doppler grey and has bloodlines to zan bar grey this horse is green broke just needs some saddle time and is naturally gated with 30 days perfessional training. The other is a solid black quester horse colt 17 month holter broke and leads other then that just been handled no holes in either horses and have no bad habits since they have not been tought any.
Horse for Sale-This gelding was born in 2010. He is half Pacifino and half Quarter Horse and may be gaited.
Gurlla- $500-4 year old gurlla gelding grade QH stands 14'1 hands tall easy to catch and load stands to be saddle and stands when you get on him no buck, kick, or bit just an easy going horse asking
Monday, 4 February 2013
Fun with Adverts...
These ads just appealed to my strange sense of humour and made me smile...
Reason for sale is because of lack of grazing... you can tell, that looks like your front garden!
This is the only decent picture I have... Oh dear.
He just wants to please, he gets ridden every day. Maybe that's why he's so tired...
Loves children- God knows why if this is a regular occurance for her:
He has beautiful flowing paces and a huge jump. Yikes, no kidding!!
Cremello mare.... errr if you say so...:
This is just an entertaining typing error which will probably be fixed by the time you see it..
'Sadly selling my beautiful 78yrs old 16.3hh Grey TB broodmare with 6 month foal'
She sure looks good for 78 doesn't she?!
Reason for sale is because of lack of grazing... you can tell, that looks like your front garden!
A superb hunter- especially when there's folk around to shoo him over those ditches?!
A tank in all ways. To handle too apparently...
He just wants to please, he gets ridden every day. Maybe that's why he's so tired...
Loves children- God knows why if this is a regular occurance for her:
He has beautiful flowing paces and a huge jump. Yikes, no kidding!!
Cremello mare.... errr if you say so...:
This is just an entertaining typing error which will probably be fixed by the time you see it..
'Sadly selling my beautiful 78yrs old 16.3hh Grey TB broodmare with 6 month foal'
She sure looks good for 78 doesn't she?!
Thursday, 17 January 2013
Advert of the Day (2 for 1)
Eegads, what is going on here?
This looks uncannily like a woman fighting with a Shetland pony- and not looking that happy about it! Sadly (or perhaps fortunately) the image is very small but dressing it up with the curtains doesn't make it less worrying to an experienced horse person's eye. Finding out the shettie in question is a stallion is even less reassuring. From this picture he appears to be a bad mannered and possibly overly randy little sod.
So you'd be desperate to buy him wouldn't you? Of course! Yes this is a sales picture. No really, it is. Honestly. Proof below:
So you'd be desperate to buy him wouldn't you? Of course! Yes this is a sales picture. No really, it is. Honestly. Proof below:
Soon after being shocked by the above, I came across the following...
Seriously, what's going on there? I presume and hope that the chap was executing a trick of some kind with this gelding, who is nearly two years old. But did he not then look at the picture before posting it and think- yeah, maybe not a good idea that. It looks like he's p-d off and trying to attack me. Which he does! And as we have previously discussed on this blog, teaching a large heavy animal that it's OK to put their front feet and their weight anywhere near a person's shoulders and head is pretty dumb.
Lesson to learn? If you actually want to sell, maybe say a bit more about your horse or pony's good points before you so accurately illustrate that he's a little ****** or potentially lethal!!!
Friday, 19 October 2012
It's Nearly Halloween, How About a Horror Movie?!
This entry comes to us courtesy of the good folks over at Bad Riding- your place on the net for car crash horsemanship at its best!
Here is a sales video for a rather cute little horse- and like most true horror movies it gets scarier towards the end!
So flatwork, no the rider is not the most stylish but heck, I'm not going to throw too many stones on that one, I'm not exactly Carl Hester myself. Now just skip to about 2.16 and prepare your jaw to drop...
As I fear the video may be deleted, I have taken some stills for your viewing, er, pleasure...
Ok seriously, you want the horse to fly over the jumps- NOT the rider! A bit more elbow flapping and I reckon she could be airborne! She appears to be throwing the (non plussed if slightly confused) horse at the jumps. Hey, here's a thought, if this is the only way you can get your horse to jump, maybe don't include that in the sale video?!
Still a cute horse. Lets just hope poor Gabriel is not yet at the point where he thinks he actually has wings with all that movement going on over his head!
Here is a sales video for a rather cute little horse- and like most true horror movies it gets scarier towards the end!
So flatwork, no the rider is not the most stylish but heck, I'm not going to throw too many stones on that one, I'm not exactly Carl Hester myself. Now just skip to about 2.16 and prepare your jaw to drop...
As I fear the video may be deleted, I have taken some stills for your viewing, er, pleasure...
Ok seriously, you want the horse to fly over the jumps- NOT the rider! A bit more elbow flapping and I reckon she could be airborne! She appears to be throwing the (non plussed if slightly confused) horse at the jumps. Hey, here's a thought, if this is the only way you can get your horse to jump, maybe don't include that in the sale video?!
Still a cute horse. Lets just hope poor Gabriel is not yet at the point where he thinks he actually has wings with all that movement going on over his head!
Sunday, 14 October 2012
My Eyes! My Eyes!
Those shorts have no place on a horse. Or anywhere else for that matter. Especially not with that top and those shoes. That is all.
Rest of ad for those interested:
Thursday, 11 October 2012
She's Got What?!
Way to boost a gal's self esteem! This poor lady finds herself advertised with her most noteworthy features apparently the fact that she has fish eyes (doncha need a vet for that?!) and a moustache! I love the fact that they spend more time noting these markings than they do mentioning what actual work she has done in the past!
Aside from the odd expression for what I presume are something like wall eyes (enlighten me please anyone!) we also have the fact that she has been running with a BIBLE stallion? Again, never EVER come across this before, any takers?
Incidentally I think we could enlarge on 'running with' and make it 'pregnant by'... if these shots are anything to go by...
Also I wonder if that's last year's foal popping up over her neck?! Poor old girl, hopefully she lands on her feet regardless of her facial hair and dodgy eyes....
Tuesday, 9 October 2012
Stud!!!
Ok, so maybe it's just my warped sense of humour but this ad tickled me. When his partner announced she needed to sell her stud, I wonder if this chap decided it was his opportunity to titilate some local ladies and try and find a job as a stripper at the same time by advertising his own studly qualities?!
Looks like a reasonable horse as far as I can tell, but note that I'm not getting the best view of him as the most prominent shots feature Mr Baseball Cap displaying his bronze pecs, bulging shoulders and rock hard abs!
Exhibit A:
And shouldn't this one have Hello Ladies emblazoned across bottom right shot (of patient horse apparently having his hind leg readjusted)?!
Well, lets just hope horse finds a new home and Romeo gets the new career he seems to be craving!
Looks like a reasonable horse as far as I can tell, but note that I'm not getting the best view of him as the most prominent shots feature Mr Baseball Cap displaying his bronze pecs, bulging shoulders and rock hard abs!
Exhibit A:
And shouldn't this one have Hello Ladies emblazoned across bottom right shot (of patient horse apparently having his hind leg readjusted)?!
Well, lets just hope horse finds a new home and Romeo gets the new career he seems to be craving!
Tuesday, 25 September 2012
Pony is a Four Letter Word!
I've heard it said before- here's a seller who clearly believes it!
This ad is almost legendary and this record of it is brought to you by Farmlife, enjoy!!
Used purple pony halter – $600
I have a used bright purple pony halter for sale. Adjustable and in fairly good condition.
A pony will be included with the halter. I currently call this pony “Juicy” although he goes by many other names as well, depending on my mood and his behavior.
This pony is just waiting to become someone’s little dream pony.
This 12.2 hand, 7 yr old pony is fantastic, if you are into the type of equine that is is constantly invading your space/vehicle, etc.
He believes he needs to be everywhere you need to be, especially when food is present.
He is in great shape, if you consider round a shape.
He never met a horse trailer he didn’t like and climbs in them every chance he gets, whereupon he immediately puts his feet up on the manger so he can look out the window. He made it halfway in the back of my car the other day before I noticed and sped off.
He LOVES little kids, especially little kids with treats. He will eat them. (the kids, not the treats) Just kidding.
This pony has been worked over 2’6″ jumps and lunged over 3’3″ jumps. However, he likes jumping my 4 ft. pasture gates the best.
He could absolutely be someone (else’s) dream pony.
He’s very affectionate, both with people(especially women) and horses(especially mares). This little guy is the neighborhood gigolo. By affectionate, I mean he will have no issue invading your personal space/private parts, if you know what I mean. He sticks his nose wherever he wants. With mares, he is lucky he is quick because he will mount mares, even the ones who have “a headache.” He is not at all discriminating, although I’ve noticed he likes the fuller figured gals. His absolute favorite is mounting a mare while a woman is on the mare. Ask my friend Lisa, I’m sure she considered that a good time.
And when rejected? You can see that he is clearly thinking that the female is merely playing hard to get. This just makes him more determined.
This porky little guy very much thinks that he’s got what the ladies want, even if they don’t know it yet. He reminds me of the little guy at the bar who hits on everybody, whom you practically have to blow an air horn in his face to get rid of.
This pony has been on television, which probably adds to his ego trip.
He could be the perfect little dream pony(for someone else).
He walks/trots/canters/jumps, takes trips to the mailbox and to check the waters, goes trail riding, swims, poses on stripper poles(ask me), tests your trailer floor weight limits, tests your trailer emergency walk through doors, taste tests anything and everything, steals food from blind horses, tried to mount my dog(it is a big dog), stands tied patiently to the swing set while my son swings, loves to roll in the sand box, allows little kids to mount him from lawn chairs, buckets, swingsets, clubhouses, ladders, gates, side of the trailer and anywhere else, pulls little kids on sleds in the snow, tries to decapitate adults by running them under arena railings, and so much more.
Did I mention that he could be the perfect little dream pony(for someone else)?
“Juicy” is also a fantastic workout companion. I think I’ve lost at least 15 lbs since I’ve had him. I’ve never run so much in my life, either after him or from him. Though his little flabby butt cheeks closely resemble two pigs fighting under a blanket, he got me in wonderful shape.
I firmly believe he’s a dream pony (someone’s else’s dream, that is).
Call me if you want a used purple halter and are a glutton for punishment.
Hmm, I am pretty sure I've seen a picture of that pony somewhere before...
Citizen Horse
This ad is almost legendary and this record of it is brought to you by Farmlife, enjoy!!
Used purple pony halter – $600
I have a used bright purple pony halter for sale. Adjustable and in fairly good condition.
A pony will be included with the halter. I currently call this pony “Juicy” although he goes by many other names as well, depending on my mood and his behavior.
This pony is just waiting to become someone’s little dream pony.
This 12.2 hand, 7 yr old pony is fantastic, if you are into the type of equine that is is constantly invading your space/vehicle, etc.
He believes he needs to be everywhere you need to be, especially when food is present.
He is in great shape, if you consider round a shape.
He never met a horse trailer he didn’t like and climbs in them every chance he gets, whereupon he immediately puts his feet up on the manger so he can look out the window. He made it halfway in the back of my car the other day before I noticed and sped off.
He LOVES little kids, especially little kids with treats. He will eat them. (the kids, not the treats) Just kidding.
This pony has been worked over 2’6″ jumps and lunged over 3’3″ jumps. However, he likes jumping my 4 ft. pasture gates the best.
He could absolutely be someone (else’s) dream pony.
He’s very affectionate, both with people(especially women) and horses(especially mares). This little guy is the neighborhood gigolo. By affectionate, I mean he will have no issue invading your personal space/private parts, if you know what I mean. He sticks his nose wherever he wants. With mares, he is lucky he is quick because he will mount mares, even the ones who have “a headache.” He is not at all discriminating, although I’ve noticed he likes the fuller figured gals. His absolute favorite is mounting a mare while a woman is on the mare. Ask my friend Lisa, I’m sure she considered that a good time.
And when rejected? You can see that he is clearly thinking that the female is merely playing hard to get. This just makes him more determined.
This porky little guy very much thinks that he’s got what the ladies want, even if they don’t know it yet. He reminds me of the little guy at the bar who hits on everybody, whom you practically have to blow an air horn in his face to get rid of.
This pony has been on television, which probably adds to his ego trip.
He could be the perfect little dream pony(for someone else).
He walks/trots/canters/jumps, takes trips to the mailbox and to check the waters, goes trail riding, swims, poses on stripper poles(ask me), tests your trailer floor weight limits, tests your trailer emergency walk through doors, taste tests anything and everything, steals food from blind horses, tried to mount my dog(it is a big dog), stands tied patiently to the swing set while my son swings, loves to roll in the sand box, allows little kids to mount him from lawn chairs, buckets, swingsets, clubhouses, ladders, gates, side of the trailer and anywhere else, pulls little kids on sleds in the snow, tries to decapitate adults by running them under arena railings, and so much more.
Did I mention that he could be the perfect little dream pony(for someone else)?
“Juicy” is also a fantastic workout companion. I think I’ve lost at least 15 lbs since I’ve had him. I’ve never run so much in my life, either after him or from him. Though his little flabby butt cheeks closely resemble two pigs fighting under a blanket, he got me in wonderful shape.
Call me if you want a used purple halter and are a glutton for punishment.
Hmm, I am pretty sure I've seen a picture of that pony somewhere before...
Citizen Horse
Thursday, 6 September 2012
The Survivors Guide to Classified Horse Adverts
There are hundreds of variations on this and I have long kept a note of my favourite definitions! I thought it was appropriate to share!
BROODMARE PROSPECT- Crippled
RETIRED FROM COMPETITION- Crippled
TRUE ALLROUNDER- No girth will fit him
CAN DO IT ALL- bite, kick, buck, bolt AND rear
SUIT ANYONE- Except us, we hate him
NOT FOR BEGINNERS- Or anyone else for that matter
NOVICE RIDE- The last time anyone cantered it, they disappeared over the horizon never to be seen again
NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER- Won’t stop
NEEDS EXPERIENCED RIDER- Won’t stop
FOR EXPERIENCED RIDER ONLY- Suit Kamikaze rider with death wish
SHOULD GO FAR WITH EXPERIENCED RIDER-probably about three counties
IDEAL TEENAGERS HORSE- Only someone under 20 will be able to recover from the injuries this horse causes
IDEAL SECOND PONY- The second you get on it'll throw you off
BROUGHT ON A NOVICE RIDER - Taught them to sit a good buck
THREE EXCEPTIONAL PACES- walk, halt and park
THREE GOOD STRAIGHT PACES- Can’t bend/won’t bend
BIG TROT- Can't canter
ELEVATED PACES- Ex-rodeo
MOVES STRAIGHT- doesn't do circles
ROCKING HORSE CANTER- Just goes up and down on the spot
ECONOMICAL PACES - Can't lengthen
SWEEPING PACES- Can't shorten
NICE UPHILL PACES- It’s the only way to stop it, we daren't go down the hill
IMPRESSIVE- does airs above ground especially when you don’t want them
WELL BALANCED- On hind legs when rearing
WORKS IN A SOFT ROUND SHAPE - When ridden in draw reins
JUST STARTING LATERAL MOVEMENTS - Learnt to cow kick yesterday
BIG BONED- Good thing he has a mane and tail or he would be mistaken for cow
FLAWLESS CONFORMATION – Except for the pigeon toes/cow hocks/ herring gut etc.
SLIGHTLY BLEMISHED- Horribly disfigured
WELL BRED- Mother and father are also brother and sister
CLEAN LEGGED - They've been washed
TBx- We’ve no idea how it’s bred but it’s weedy so TBx will do
IDx- We’ve no idea how it’s bred but we suspect a Shire so we'll put it down as Irish Draught and hope no one notices it has feet like dustbin lids
DUNAPINTAARABINALOOSA (OR VARIATIONS)- It’s a mongrel, probably a mutant mongrel, but it is an interesting color
MAXI-COB- Shaved cart horse
CUTE PONY- Small and hairy
ARAB - Looks startled
THOROUGHBRED - Looks terrified
COB- Fat
BLACK- Brown and/or dirty
VERY FLASHY – White legs
NICELY MARKED- We couldn't think of anything else to put
ELEGANT- Thin
GOOD BONE- Fat
SOLID- Fat
SUBSTANTIAL- Fat
GOOD DOER- Gains weight hacking past the chip shop
GOOD WEIGHT CARRIER- Was born with laminitis
DEAD QUIET- Just dead
BOMBPROOF- If you don't light the fuse
SPIRITED- Psychotic
BOLD- Runaway
GOOD MOVER- Runaway
ATHLETIC- Runaway
STUNNING- Regularly drops you on your head so you see stars
SNAFFLE MOUTHED - It really doesn’t matter what you put in its mouth it still won’t stop
WELL MANNERED- Hasn't stepped on, bitten or kicked anyone for a week
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED- Hasn't stepped on, bitten or kicked anyone for a month
PROFESSIONALLY STARTED- On the race track
PRODUCED BY PROFESSIONAL RIDER- ridden in draw reins all his life and finds self carriage an alien concept
HOME PRODUCED- No professional will touch it
GIVEN TIME TO MATURE- No one can be arsed to do anything with it
LIGHTLY BACKED- After heavy sedation
NICELY STARTED- Lunged, but we haven’t found anyone crazy enough to get on him yet
ALREADY BROKEN- 3 fence posts, 1 gate and 5 buckets
WELL HANDLED - We're too scared to ride him
LOW MILEAGE- We're too scared to ride him
HASN'T REALISED HIS POTENTIAL- We're too scared to ride him
HALTER BROKEN- Unhandled
READY TO START - Never seen a human until yesterday
NEEDS SCHOOLING- No-one can stay on it long enough to teach it anything
NO TIME TO DO JUSTICE – and no death wish either thanks
READY TO BRING ON- We've tried but frankly after the bolting, ending up on a car bonnet, being scraped off on a tree and swallowing several mouthfuls of arena dust we've given up so you can try!
FOR SALE AS NOT ABLE TO PROGRESS TO NEXT LEVEL- Breaking down
NEEDS RE-SCHOOLING- screwed up
PROJECT- Totally screwed up
LONG TERM PROJECT- Lost cause
FORWARD GOING- No brakes
SUIT EVENTING- No brakes
LOVES HUNTING- No brakes
LOVES JUMPING- No brakes
DOESN'T LIKE SCHOOLING- No brakes
SUIT DRESSAGE- No accelerator
HAS COMPETED NOVICE AND ELEMENTARY- Technically entered the arena. What happened thereafter is best forgotten
EVENT PROSPECT- Big, fast horse
DRESSAGE PROSPECT- Big, slow horse
PLEASURE PROSPECT- Pretty color
SPORTING PROSPECT- Short, fast horse
BARREL PROSPECT- Fast horse which can turn
ENDURANCE PROSPECT- Fast horse which will turn sometimes
SHOW JUMPING PROSPECT- Fashion icon
POTENTIAL DRESSAGE STAR- Half passes beautifully but only when you want it to go straight
POTENTIAL BSJA STAR- Jumps 2'
POTENTIAL EVENTING STAR- Very strong and doesn't leave a show jump standing
VERY BRAVE XC - Goes at an alarming pace and jumps whatever crops up along the way, regardless of whether it's intended to be part of the course or not
NEVER HAD ANY XC PENALTIES- But sure knocks up a cricket score in the SJing phase
JUMPS FOR FUN – Out of field, over handler, into path of lorry...
NEVER STOPS- Breaks speed of light when jumping courses whether the rider is still with it or not
NEVER TOUCHES A POLE- stops dead at fillers
HAS A BOLD JUMP- Most often sideways
HAS A CAREFUL JUMP - stops in front of each fence to have a good look at it
POPS A FENCE- Gets eliminated at the first fence every time out
JUMPS SMALL FENCES- Doesn’t jump big fences
JUMPS COLORED POLES- Doesn’t jump fillers
SCHOOLMASTER- He's in charge
CHILD’S PONY- only a child will have the patience to traipse round a field for 2 days to catch it
LEAD REIN PONY- only behaves when a large man has its head in a death grip
GOOD FIRST PONY – Suit child hating parents
PERFECT FIRST PONY- if they can ride this b*gger they can sit on anything
RIDE AND DRIVE- you ride, fall off and someone else has to drive out to find you
IDEAL GAMES PONY- Don't cough, sneeze, breathe, laugh, blink or fart on its back or you won't be seen for dust.
RESPONSIVE RIDE- see games pony
IDEAL FIRST HORSE- Only some poor, innocent lamb on their first shopping trip would be daft enough to have it...
IDEAL MOTHER DAUGHTER SHARE- You’ll both have to ride it at the same time to gain any sort of control
IDEAL RACING PONY - Built like a toothpick and only has flight mode
HAS SEEN HOUNDS- and promptly turned and bolted in the opposite direction
HAS HUNTED- But then the MFH banned us for wiping out half the hounds
HUNTED BY PREVIOUS OWNER- just got off the ferry from Ireland and will be crippled by the end of the year
EXPERIENCED HUNTER- Ditches rider as soon as hounds move off then no-one knows where the hell it is for the rest of the day
GOES FIRST OR LAST- Bucks when anything is in front of it, or struggles to keep up
WILL GO ALL DAY- Confirmed bolter, previous owner has tried every bitting combination known to man but it’s made no difference
BEEN IN ALL PC TEAMS - our branch is so small, anything vaguely sound and rallied makes the team
RIDING CLUB TYPE- Does a bit of everything badly
ALWAYS IN RIBBONS- The shows we went to gave complementary rosettes for all who entered
REGULARLY IN THE RIBBONS- Has amassed an alarmingly huge collection of 'special' rosettes for things such as 'boldest pony at camp' and 'most spectacular fall'
ALWAYS PLACED- The only shows we went to were so small that there were no more than 3 in each class
LIGHTLY COMPETED AT TRAINING SHOWS - stick a filler in the same arena and the horse will run a mile, has never seen more than two jumps in a row and never even heard of a warm up arena.
TOP SHOW HORSE - Won a reserve championship 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to a hurricane
JUDGES WILL LOVE - to see it going out of their ring
PARELLI HOME ONLY- confused horse seeks new nutters to twirl ropes at him rather than ride him
HAS VAULTED- Only way to get on it as won’t stand still
WON £££ - Twenty years ago, now knackered
NOT SPOOKY- Needs a rocket up its arse to get three steps of walk
GOOD IN OPEN SPACES- as long as you like flat out galloping
GOES BAREFOOT- Put the last farrier in hospital
LIVES OUT- impossible to catch
FUN HORSE- Selling as air ambulance refused to convey owner to hospital anymore
TEMPERAMENT TO DIE FOR– Will probably kill you
LOVES PEOPLE-but can't eat a whole one
LOADS OF PERSONALITY- Decks everyone
EXCELLENT DISPOSITION- Never been out of his stable
A REAL CHARACTER IN THE STABLE – Makes a hideous face then spins around and tries to murder you
GOOD STABLE MANNERS-Total pig everywhere else
HANDLED BY A CHILD- Only person fast enough to get away from its teeth/feet
GOOD TO CLIP, SHOE, BOX - Clippety clippety is the sound his shoes make when he drags you across the yard as you try to box him
GOOD TO BOX SHOE CATCH - you can't clip him and he's awful in traffic (rotate as appropriate!)
GOOD TO LUNGE- It's a good idea to lunge out of the way when the b***er starts bucking and bolting with you attached by a very long rope
EASY TO CATCH- If you've got all day and a lasso
EASY TO CLIP- when hobbled and sedated
LOADS WELL- After an endurance ride and as long as you have four hours and three strong men to push him
NO VICES- Especially when he wears his muzzle
LIGHT CRIBBER- We can't afford to build any more stable and fences for this chainsaw
CALM IN TRAFFIC- Scares the s**t out of everyone else though
WELL BEHAVED– For about as long as it will take him to work out your child is a novice
VERY SPECIAL– "Special" is the kindest word anyone has ever used to describe him
FUN FOR ALL THE FAMILY- All the family laugh their socks off while each member tries to stay on his back
NEVER SICK OR SORRY- can't afford a vet
HAS NEVER HAD A DAY'S LAMENESS- It’s always years and months of it
VERY HONEST - Lets you know exactly what it will and won't do, often reinforced with a buck to get the message across
TAUGHT MY CHILD EVERYTHING - especially how to fall off
TOTALLY OUTGROWN - had to pay several teenagers to ride the little s*d
QUIET- Lame in both front legs
VERY QUIET- Lame in all four legs
HAS ARTHRITIS BUT DOESN'T AFFECT HIM- Until the Bute wears off
NO TIME FOR HIM- He's lucky to be fed
SOLD FROM THE FIELD - as you can’t get it into a stable
SAME HOME FOR 5 YEARS - we couldn't catch him for three years and he's been for sale for two now
ONLY FOR SALE AS CHILD HAS LOST INTEREST- Child sick of spending more time on the floor than on the horse
FOR SALE THROUGH NO FAULT OF HIS OWN - He's an evil b*st*rd, but then so were both parents, so it's in the genes
ONE NOT TO BE MISSED- This pony is identical to about 20 other ponies for sale on this site
SORT HARD TO FIND - I'd like to see you find another one like this little s**t
FIRST TO SEE WILL BUY- As we`ll take you for a drink first, two bottles of wine should do it
INCLUDING TACK- We’ve got a broken treed saddle and the remains of 5 bridles to get rid of
RECENTLY VETTED Someone else found something badly wrong with this horse
ANY VET CHECK WELCOME- Please pay for us to find out what the !@#$ is wrong with him!
GOOD TRIAL FACILITIES - two rusty oil barrels and a couple of broken poles in a muddy field
LOADS OF SHEETS TO PROVE HISTORY- ok, they're incident report sheets, but that’s by the by
HOME MORE IMPORTANT THAN PRICE- I'll give you the darn thing, just take it!
QUICK SALE NEEDED- He’s about to be banned from the last remaining livery yard in my area
FREE TO GOOD HOME- It's completely buggered
ALL OFFERS CONSIDERED- We are desperate to get rid
WILL CONSIDER ANY TRIAL OR LOAN WITH VIEW TO BUY- We are desperate to get rid and it won't pass a vet
TAKE NEW OWNER TO THE TOP- Previous owner was barely ever off the ground
GENUINE REASON FOR SALE- Owner in traction
FOR SALE DUE TO OWNERS ILL HEALTH- 4 broken ribs, fractured cheek bone, hoof-print on chest and badly bruised coccyx
TO GOOD HOME ONLY- Not really for sale unless you can pay twice what he is worth, allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night, and are willing to sign a 10 page legal document
ONLY FOR SALE AS WE'VE TOO MANY HORSES - and we like him least
WILL DELIVER- We just open the ramp and drive away.......quickly
OWNERS EMIGRATING- now try bringing it back!
FOR SALE DUE TO LACK OF TIME- Rider cannot afford to
spend any more time in hospital
IDEAL STUD PROSPECT- Can’t afford to geld itBROODMARE PROSPECT- Crippled
RETIRED FROM COMPETITION- Crippled
TRUE ALLROUNDER- No girth will fit him
CAN DO IT ALL- bite, kick, buck, bolt AND rear
SUIT ANYONE- Except us, we hate him
NOT FOR BEGINNERS- Or anyone else for that matter
NOVICE RIDE- The last time anyone cantered it, they disappeared over the horizon never to be seen again
NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER- Won’t stop
NEEDS EXPERIENCED RIDER- Won’t stop
FOR EXPERIENCED RIDER ONLY- Suit Kamikaze rider with death wish
SHOULD GO FAR WITH EXPERIENCED RIDER-probably about three counties
IDEAL TEENAGERS HORSE- Only someone under 20 will be able to recover from the injuries this horse causes
IDEAL SECOND PONY- The second you get on it'll throw you off
BROUGHT ON A NOVICE RIDER - Taught them to sit a good buck
THREE EXCEPTIONAL PACES- walk, halt and park
THREE GOOD STRAIGHT PACES- Can’t bend/won’t bend
BIG TROT- Can't canter
ELEVATED PACES- Ex-rodeo
MOVES STRAIGHT- doesn't do circles
ROCKING HORSE CANTER- Just goes up and down on the spot
ECONOMICAL PACES - Can't lengthen
SWEEPING PACES- Can't shorten
NICE UPHILL PACES- It’s the only way to stop it, we daren't go down the hill
IMPRESSIVE- does airs above ground especially when you don’t want them
WELL BALANCED- On hind legs when rearing
WORKS IN A SOFT ROUND SHAPE - When ridden in draw reins
JUST STARTING LATERAL MOVEMENTS - Learnt to cow kick yesterday
BIG BONED- Good thing he has a mane and tail or he would be mistaken for cow
FLAWLESS CONFORMATION – Except for the pigeon toes/cow hocks/ herring gut etc.
SLIGHTLY BLEMISHED- Horribly disfigured
WELL BRED- Mother and father are also brother and sister
CLEAN LEGGED - They've been washed
TBx- We’ve no idea how it’s bred but it’s weedy so TBx will do
IDx- We’ve no idea how it’s bred but we suspect a Shire so we'll put it down as Irish Draught and hope no one notices it has feet like dustbin lids
DUNAPINTAARABINALOOSA (OR VARIATIONS)- It’s a mongrel, probably a mutant mongrel, but it is an interesting color
MAXI-COB- Shaved cart horse
CUTE PONY- Small and hairy
ARAB - Looks startled
THOROUGHBRED - Looks terrified
COB- Fat
BLACK- Brown and/or dirty
VERY FLASHY – White legs
NICELY MARKED- We couldn't think of anything else to put
ELEGANT- Thin
GOOD BONE- Fat
SOLID- Fat
SUBSTANTIAL- Fat
GOOD DOER- Gains weight hacking past the chip shop
GOOD WEIGHT CARRIER- Was born with laminitis
DEAD QUIET- Just dead
BOMBPROOF- If you don't light the fuse
SPIRITED- Psychotic
BOLD- Runaway
GOOD MOVER- Runaway
ATHLETIC- Runaway
STUNNING- Regularly drops you on your head so you see stars
SNAFFLE MOUTHED - It really doesn’t matter what you put in its mouth it still won’t stop
WELL MANNERED- Hasn't stepped on, bitten or kicked anyone for a week
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED- Hasn't stepped on, bitten or kicked anyone for a month
PROFESSIONALLY STARTED- On the race track
PRODUCED BY PROFESSIONAL RIDER- ridden in draw reins all his life and finds self carriage an alien concept
HOME PRODUCED- No professional will touch it
GIVEN TIME TO MATURE- No one can be arsed to do anything with it
LIGHTLY BACKED- After heavy sedation
NICELY STARTED- Lunged, but we haven’t found anyone crazy enough to get on him yet
ALREADY BROKEN- 3 fence posts, 1 gate and 5 buckets
WELL HANDLED - We're too scared to ride him
LOW MILEAGE- We're too scared to ride him
HASN'T REALISED HIS POTENTIAL- We're too scared to ride him
HALTER BROKEN- Unhandled
READY TO START - Never seen a human until yesterday
NEEDS SCHOOLING- No-one can stay on it long enough to teach it anything
NO TIME TO DO JUSTICE – and no death wish either thanks
READY TO BRING ON- We've tried but frankly after the bolting, ending up on a car bonnet, being scraped off on a tree and swallowing several mouthfuls of arena dust we've given up so you can try!
FOR SALE AS NOT ABLE TO PROGRESS TO NEXT LEVEL- Breaking down
NEEDS RE-SCHOOLING- screwed up
PROJECT- Totally screwed up
LONG TERM PROJECT- Lost cause
FORWARD GOING- No brakes
SUIT EVENTING- No brakes
LOVES HUNTING- No brakes
LOVES JUMPING- No brakes
DOESN'T LIKE SCHOOLING- No brakes
SUIT DRESSAGE- No accelerator
HAS COMPETED NOVICE AND ELEMENTARY- Technically entered the arena. What happened thereafter is best forgotten
EVENT PROSPECT- Big, fast horse
DRESSAGE PROSPECT- Big, slow horse
PLEASURE PROSPECT- Pretty color
SPORTING PROSPECT- Short, fast horse
BARREL PROSPECT- Fast horse which can turn
ENDURANCE PROSPECT- Fast horse which will turn sometimes
SHOW JUMPING PROSPECT- Fashion icon
POTENTIAL DRESSAGE STAR- Half passes beautifully but only when you want it to go straight
POTENTIAL BSJA STAR- Jumps 2'
POTENTIAL EVENTING STAR- Very strong and doesn't leave a show jump standing
VERY BRAVE XC - Goes at an alarming pace and jumps whatever crops up along the way, regardless of whether it's intended to be part of the course or not
NEVER HAD ANY XC PENALTIES- But sure knocks up a cricket score in the SJing phase
JUMPS FOR FUN – Out of field, over handler, into path of lorry...
NEVER STOPS- Breaks speed of light when jumping courses whether the rider is still with it or not
NEVER TOUCHES A POLE- stops dead at fillers
HAS A BOLD JUMP- Most often sideways
HAS A CAREFUL JUMP - stops in front of each fence to have a good look at it
POPS A FENCE- Gets eliminated at the first fence every time out
JUMPS SMALL FENCES- Doesn’t jump big fences
JUMPS COLORED POLES- Doesn’t jump fillers
SCHOOLMASTER- He's in charge
CHILD’S PONY- only a child will have the patience to traipse round a field for 2 days to catch it
LEAD REIN PONY- only behaves when a large man has its head in a death grip
GOOD FIRST PONY – Suit child hating parents
PERFECT FIRST PONY- if they can ride this b*gger they can sit on anything
RIDE AND DRIVE- you ride, fall off and someone else has to drive out to find you
IDEAL GAMES PONY- Don't cough, sneeze, breathe, laugh, blink or fart on its back or you won't be seen for dust.
RESPONSIVE RIDE- see games pony
IDEAL FIRST HORSE- Only some poor, innocent lamb on their first shopping trip would be daft enough to have it...
IDEAL MOTHER DAUGHTER SHARE- You’ll both have to ride it at the same time to gain any sort of control
IDEAL RACING PONY - Built like a toothpick and only has flight mode
HAS SEEN HOUNDS- and promptly turned and bolted in the opposite direction
HAS HUNTED- But then the MFH banned us for wiping out half the hounds
HUNTED BY PREVIOUS OWNER- just got off the ferry from Ireland and will be crippled by the end of the year
EXPERIENCED HUNTER- Ditches rider as soon as hounds move off then no-one knows where the hell it is for the rest of the day
GOES FIRST OR LAST- Bucks when anything is in front of it, or struggles to keep up
WILL GO ALL DAY- Confirmed bolter, previous owner has tried every bitting combination known to man but it’s made no difference
BEEN IN ALL PC TEAMS - our branch is so small, anything vaguely sound and rallied makes the team
RIDING CLUB TYPE- Does a bit of everything badly
ALWAYS IN RIBBONS- The shows we went to gave complementary rosettes for all who entered
REGULARLY IN THE RIBBONS- Has amassed an alarmingly huge collection of 'special' rosettes for things such as 'boldest pony at camp' and 'most spectacular fall'
ALWAYS PLACED- The only shows we went to were so small that there were no more than 3 in each class
LIGHTLY COMPETED AT TRAINING SHOWS - stick a filler in the same arena and the horse will run a mile, has never seen more than two jumps in a row and never even heard of a warm up arena.
TOP SHOW HORSE - Won a reserve championship 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to a hurricane
JUDGES WILL LOVE - to see it going out of their ring
PARELLI HOME ONLY- confused horse seeks new nutters to twirl ropes at him rather than ride him
HAS VAULTED- Only way to get on it as won’t stand still
WON £££ - Twenty years ago, now knackered
NOT SPOOKY- Needs a rocket up its arse to get three steps of walk
GOOD IN OPEN SPACES- as long as you like flat out galloping
GOES BAREFOOT- Put the last farrier in hospital
LIVES OUT- impossible to catch
FUN HORSE- Selling as air ambulance refused to convey owner to hospital anymore
TEMPERAMENT TO DIE FOR– Will probably kill you
LOVES PEOPLE-but can't eat a whole one
LOADS OF PERSONALITY- Decks everyone
EXCELLENT DISPOSITION- Never been out of his stable
A REAL CHARACTER IN THE STABLE – Makes a hideous face then spins around and tries to murder you
GOOD STABLE MANNERS-Total pig everywhere else
HANDLED BY A CHILD- Only person fast enough to get away from its teeth/feet
GOOD TO CLIP, SHOE, BOX - Clippety clippety is the sound his shoes make when he drags you across the yard as you try to box him
GOOD TO BOX SHOE CATCH - you can't clip him and he's awful in traffic (rotate as appropriate!)
GOOD TO LUNGE- It's a good idea to lunge out of the way when the b***er starts bucking and bolting with you attached by a very long rope
EASY TO CATCH- If you've got all day and a lasso
EASY TO CLIP- when hobbled and sedated
LOADS WELL- After an endurance ride and as long as you have four hours and three strong men to push him
NO VICES- Especially when he wears his muzzle
LIGHT CRIBBER- We can't afford to build any more stable and fences for this chainsaw
CALM IN TRAFFIC- Scares the s**t out of everyone else though
WELL BEHAVED– For about as long as it will take him to work out your child is a novice
VERY SPECIAL– "Special" is the kindest word anyone has ever used to describe him
FUN FOR ALL THE FAMILY- All the family laugh their socks off while each member tries to stay on his back
NEVER SICK OR SORRY- can't afford a vet
HAS NEVER HAD A DAY'S LAMENESS- It’s always years and months of it
VERY HONEST - Lets you know exactly what it will and won't do, often reinforced with a buck to get the message across
TAUGHT MY CHILD EVERYTHING - especially how to fall off
TOTALLY OUTGROWN - had to pay several teenagers to ride the little s*d
QUIET- Lame in both front legs
VERY QUIET- Lame in all four legs
HAS ARTHRITIS BUT DOESN'T AFFECT HIM- Until the Bute wears off
NO TIME FOR HIM- He's lucky to be fed
SOLD FROM THE FIELD - as you can’t get it into a stable
SAME HOME FOR 5 YEARS - we couldn't catch him for three years and he's been for sale for two now
ONLY FOR SALE AS CHILD HAS LOST INTEREST- Child sick of spending more time on the floor than on the horse
FOR SALE THROUGH NO FAULT OF HIS OWN - He's an evil b*st*rd, but then so were both parents, so it's in the genes
ONE NOT TO BE MISSED- This pony is identical to about 20 other ponies for sale on this site
SORT HARD TO FIND - I'd like to see you find another one like this little s**t
FIRST TO SEE WILL BUY- As we`ll take you for a drink first, two bottles of wine should do it
INCLUDING TACK- We’ve got a broken treed saddle and the remains of 5 bridles to get rid of
RECENTLY VETTED Someone else found something badly wrong with this horse
ANY VET CHECK WELCOME- Please pay for us to find out what the !@#$ is wrong with him!
GOOD TRIAL FACILITIES - two rusty oil barrels and a couple of broken poles in a muddy field
LOADS OF SHEETS TO PROVE HISTORY- ok, they're incident report sheets, but that’s by the by
HOME MORE IMPORTANT THAN PRICE- I'll give you the darn thing, just take it!
QUICK SALE NEEDED- He’s about to be banned from the last remaining livery yard in my area
FREE TO GOOD HOME- It's completely buggered
ALL OFFERS CONSIDERED- We are desperate to get rid
WILL CONSIDER ANY TRIAL OR LOAN WITH VIEW TO BUY- We are desperate to get rid and it won't pass a vet
TAKE NEW OWNER TO THE TOP- Previous owner was barely ever off the ground
GENUINE REASON FOR SALE- Owner in traction
FOR SALE DUE TO OWNERS ILL HEALTH- 4 broken ribs, fractured cheek bone, hoof-print on chest and badly bruised coccyx
TO GOOD HOME ONLY- Not really for sale unless you can pay twice what he is worth, allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night, and are willing to sign a 10 page legal document
ONLY FOR SALE AS WE'VE TOO MANY HORSES - and we like him least
WILL DELIVER- We just open the ramp and drive away.......quickly
OWNERS EMIGRATING- now try bringing it back!
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